hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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