sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
