once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
