dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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