I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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