I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
