Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
