I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
