I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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