he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
