Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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