I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
