I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
