Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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