my phone needs a breathalizer
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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