Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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