I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
