happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
