The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
