1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
