Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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