My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
