she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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