So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
