He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I could fuck to npr.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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