if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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