I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
