It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
