I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
