so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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