She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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