What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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