I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
