Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
someone owes me an orgasm
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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