I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
