Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
