So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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