He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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