My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
