My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
that is very illegal...i love you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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