you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
