I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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