woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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