I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
