If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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