Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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