It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
