I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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