T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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