dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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