I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
