And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
