i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
