You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
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You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
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It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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