I met the friendliest cop last night
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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