My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
