the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
