So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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